A POST ON ACCEPTANCE
As 2017 comes to an end I have made a point to look back and reflect not only on the past year but my life as a whole. In this reflection I have realized a few things.
The first being that I have not allowed myself to be completely myself. I have not allowed myself to be 100% Ferg.
I have never really been comfortable with or accepting of myself. For me it was always me wanting to be something else, to move differently, talk differently, think differently. I’ve always wanted to be soft and angelic. I wanted to be the peaceful girl with the soothing voice who was always smiling and looked inviting. Well, I'm none of those things. I'm loud, I walk heavy, my laugh is obnoxious, I have resting bitch face and when I don't look like I'm pissed off, I have a permanent sassy smirk. I also don't have a poker face, so you can see exactly what I'm thinking. I have always tried to hide these traits from others as if there was something wrong with them.
Secondly, I have come to realize that I have spent a large part of my life living to a set of standards (set by society maybe?) that don't even exist. Ever since I have been interested in the male species I have altered my behaviors to what I thought guys would appreciate later when its "time to get married". It's like I was subconsciously grooming myself to be perfect for a man, in order to be married one day. Fuck all that.
I started realizing this in my most recent relationship. I found myself not saying or doing certain things for fear of how he would perceive it. I hadn't been acting this way since we've met why start now? I began to feel trapped in my own relationship.
"The irony in that when you get what you want you don't always want it" - Wale
Through our conversations I could tell by his stance on things that he wouldn't be ok with the person that I am, but he was in love with the person I'd been showing him all that time. Now, I'm not this drastically different person but there were parts of my personality I was hiding. It was a part of my subconscious "grooming" and the more I realized it the more uncomfortable I was. I couldn't talk about my past because he didn't want to know about it. This was particularly hard for me, one, because I'm an open book and two, because I feel that you cannot truly get to know a person if you are unaware of their past experiences, how they handled them, and what they learned from them.
I had spent all of this time shaping my personality to get the perfect relationship and now that I got that relationship I didn't want it, but I was too comfortable to let it go. I was torn because we got along great. I decided to ignore all of that, stay, and make the best of it. However, no matter how comfortable you are the universe will make you move on when its time to move on. This came in the form of my former boyfriend breaking up with me.
I often wonder how long I would have stayed based on comfort.
While I began to realize this a few months ago, it all became very clear recently and its time to make a change.
I'm grateful for the lessons life has taught me and it's time to be me, for me. It's time for me to embrace every single part of my personality. It is time for me to be unapologetically me and I don't have to wait until the New Year to start. I'm pro "Anytime Resolutions" Anytime you feel like making a resolution, that's when you start & I'm excited to start this journey of self acceptance!
