BUT HE'S YOUR FATHER

the thing you are most

afraid to write

write that.

--advice to young writers - nayyirah waheed

Today I want to talk about toxic relationships. More specifically, the toxic relationship I had in my life.

Just about everyone comes in contact with a toxic relationship at some point or another in their lifetime. For the lucky ones, those relationships aren't within their families. Others of us aren't so lucky.

Usually, when toxic people enter our lives its our friends and family that are the first to notice. They're the ones trying desperately to get you to understand that this is no good for you. In my case, the toxic relationship of my life was the relationship I had with my father.

I'll start by saying that my relationship with my father was never a great one. Since I was little he was always distant and we only really ever hung out when it was something he wanted to do (i.e. Bike Shows). When it came to crafts and regular kid stuff it was always just my mom, my brother and I. My father's approach to things and his hateful demeanor never helped. He was distant and when he did include himself he was mean.

Every year my dads side of the family would get together in the Poconos for a week and then all of my cousins, my brother, and I would pile in the car and they would spend a week at my house in Virginia. Me, my brother, and 3 of our cousins got to spend two weeks out of the year together and we hadn't seen each other (all together) since the previous year. We're all 3 years apart so if I was 9, I had one cousin who was 3, one who was 6 and my brother and oldest cousin were 12. You can imagine our excitement...and energy levels.

In the Poconos my father would always yell and fuss about us making too much noise but he would also interrogate us. If we were making too much noise upstairs (i.e. "Bumping"), he'd call us down one by one interrogating us, trying to get us to turn on each other and place the blame. When he figured out the person (or persons) who were "bumping" they had to do push-ups. Now, I understand as kids if you do something wrong there are consequences, however, the approach is what I had a problem with. It wasn't to teach us a lesson or to show us that when you do something wrong there are consequences, it was like he got high off of having complete control. This is the same approach he had during "Camp". I know what you're thinking, Camp sounds fun! Well my dads version of camp was more bootcamp than summer camp. The rules he had on these "vacations" were annoying nonetheless. My mom was always a breath of fresh air, coming up with fun stuff for us to do but she worked during the day. Don't get me wrong, my dad had fun stuff for us to do as well but it was never long before the fun was ruined because we were getting yelled and cursed at. I always remember thinking how lucky my cousins were because they got to go home after a week and I had to stay and deal with this all year round.

My father worked in a motorcycle shop that he built behind our house so during the summer we of course had chores to do but then we would have to clean up his shop before being allowed to go play. When there was nothing to clean he made us sit there and watch him. No talking, no laughing, no spinning in the chair, just watching. Later, we'd have to help cook so that dinner would be ready when my mom got home from work. Something seemingly thoughtful was always a nightmare. It's like nothing we did was right. We set the table wrong, we're moving too slow, we had attitudes. His sentences started with "Now why would you..." and ended with "did that make sense?" and his tone was always aggressive.

In addition, my father was a straight up bully. I remember calling my aunt crying one day because my parents were fighting (not physically). The next day my dad comes to me and says,

"So I hear you called your aunt crying like a little bitch"

Those words stuck with me well into adulthood. From that, I learned to show less emotion and certainly not to talk about it.

My father moved out when I was in 6th grade and that was the start of our on again off again relationship. He always stopped answering calls and texts conveniently around holidays and birthdays, then call and start a conversation like nothing ever happened. When speaking to family about this there was always an excuse for his behavior. No one ever agreed that the behavior was unacceptable. They always encouraged me to reach out "because he's your father"

As I got older I wasn't shy about voicing my opinion about my father to my father. I was the kid who called you out on your shit and waited for an explanation. That didn't help our relationship to get on the right track, but at this point I was tired of being manipulated, ridiculed, and disrespected.

Then, he changed. When I was in 9th grade he started dating a woman who would eventually become his ex wife. She joined us in the Poconos that July but she didn't see the hateful person we all were accustomed to. She saw a sweet man who didn't "sweat the small stuff" and who cracked jokes and tried new things. She got to see a man who was considerate of others and spoke nicely. I was PISSED! It bothered me that he was putting on this whole facade.

"If you must be an asshole keep it up, always be an asshole, don't switch it up now."

I said exactly that when I was confronted about my attitude and that was the last year I went to the Poconos.

Throughout my high school years we continued to have a patchy relationship, except when I didn't get a response I didn't keep trying to reach out. When my dad would eventually reach out I'd ignore him because I was tired of the cycle. In the end, I'd end up responding and the reason would always be "because he's my father" and the cycle would continue.

...that is what abuse is:

knowing you are

going to get salt

but still hoping for sugar

for nineteen years - amanda lovelace

During my college years our relationship was better, but in the back of my mind I'd keep reminding myself that this is temporary and that eventually he'll do or say something to hurt my feelings or just stop speaking to me again. I would get mad at myself for laughing at his jokes and having a good time around him because I knew it wouldn't last. My junior year of college came and went and it was the longest amount of time that my father and I had been speaking since I was in 6th grade.

My senior year at VCU rolled around and on Thanksgiving Day 2014 I allowed my father to lie to me for the last time. All throughout the phone conversation I thought to myself "I can't do this anymore" I knew he was lying. He was trying to manipulate not only me but everyone he knew. I wished him a Happy Thanksgiving, I wished him well, and I knew that when I hung up the phone that would be the end of our relationship. For a while he didn't reach out either but eventually he did and I'd continue to ignore him. Every once in a while his smartassness would peek through with messages like "Statistics say that if I keep texting you eventually you'll text me back" I simply blocked his number.

I reached out for Graduation letting him know when, where and what time it would be and even sent him an invite. I didn't want him to come but I tried to look at things from the point of view of 'My only daughter is graduating from VCU with two degrees' ...I'd want to be invited to that. I'm glad he didn't come.

I didn't cease communication with my father for good after the most fucked up thing he did to me. I should have, but I didn't. I kept giving more and more chances. Now, as I've grown more, I have realized that I could have ended the relationship and if I had, that I wouldn't have had to feel bad about it. Through all the years and all of the fall outs and coming togethers I have never received an apology for any of his wrongdoings. His favorite line was always "I'm a changed man" and he was right, to an extent. He's not upfront with his hatefulness anymore, its subtle now.

I used to want that apology and I used to be angry that I never got it. Now, it doesn't bother me. I'm no longer interested in an apology and I love the weight that was lifted when I made the decision to end the toxic relationship in my life.

If you have a toxic relationship in your life, try to sort it out but know that you cannot change anyone. If they refuse to change or at least try, you do not have to feel bad about removing them from your life. You have to go through this life. You are the only one on your journey so it's important that you make sure you're good first.

& If you're the toxic person in someone else's life, get your shit together or leave them the fuck alone.