GROWING PAINS

Strap in…this might be a long one.

I wasn’t sure if I should name this blog Growing Pains or Daddy Issues. As I grow and become more self aware I’m learning that a lot of my issues stem from the latter.

Usually, I’d apologize for the forthcoming disorganization that will be this blog post but, no. This is how my brain works, jumping from one thought to the other and hoping I can keep up.

2023 has been a rough year for me. I’ve been pretty open about some of the hardships I’ve dealt with when it comes to my house and the confusion surrounding my friendships but I haven’t been as open to exactly how its all affecting me.

I wrote a blog post on my relationship with my Dad a few years ago, you can check it out here, but I touched on an incident that taught me at a young age that its not ok for people to know you’re sad or upset.

I remember calling my aunt crying one day because my parents were fighting (not physically). The next day my dad comes to me and says,

"So I hear you called your aunt crying like a little bitch"

I’ve been bottling up my feelings since. Of course every now and then I have to let them out.

My car used to be my place of choice to cry. & I’m not really sure it was much of a choice. I had to go to work so I couldn’t cry during the day, and I couldn’t cry too late in the night or I’d wake up to red, swollen, dry eyes. I couldn’t cry at my moms house so whenever I had to drive home at night from my moms, I’d take that 20ish minutes to let it all out. I had to stop before I got to my apartment complex just incase I had to encounter people in the lobby.

Fast forward to this year, I feel like my tear ducts are making up for lost time. I’ve cried just about everyday this year. I feel defeated, overwhelmed, and alone. I would say that I used to cope with things better but I don’t think I did…I think I just had more distractions. I had friends to hang out with, a job to go to, homework to do, whatever. This is the loneliest I’ve ever felt. Hell, I’m crying right now.

Adulthood has been really kicking my ass lately. & while that’s nothing new, this time it’s a bit different because I feel like my support system isn’t what it used to be. I feel like my friends and I are drifting apart and I’m honestly unsure how to handle it or bring it up…again.  - Journal Entry November 2022

Well, I wasn’t exactly wrong about my friends drifting apart, as we get older I suppose that is just something that happens. It still sucks tho. Very grateful for the ones who have stuck around and reassured me that life has just been life-ing and everything is all good.

Everyone always says to ask for help, you can’t be afraid to ask for help. & that’s it, so we assume that when we finally put our pride aside and ask for help we will get it. No one ever talks about when you ask for help and help doesn’t come. It makes you not want to risk that feeling again, forcing you to do everything alone.

It got to a point where I couldn’t really stop crying. It would hit me randomly throughout the day, multiple times a day and there was nothing I could do about it. I figured since I had a few months until my insurance stopped I’d try to get into therapy. That way I could go for a few months, let it all out, learn some coping mechanisms or something. I’ve been trying to find a therapist for years but every time I found someone they didn’t take my insurance and I couldn’t afford to pay out of pocket. Once my last job switched insurance in October therapy had slipped my mind and I was focused on saving up for what felt like an upcoming layoff (I was correct). Well, I found a therapist I liked, we had a consultation call to make sure she could provide what I needed, she accepted my insurance and was in-network. I was so hopeful, only for my bubble to be burst when I was told I hadn’t met my deductible yet and I’d have to pay $140 per session until my $2500 deductible was met. I was thinking it would be like a $30 co-pay (which it would be…if my deductible was already paid). Defeat isn’t even a good enough word to describe how I felt. It’s like the last glimmer of  light shining at the end of the tunnel was covered by a large rock.

I had a friend tell me how proud they were of me that I was holding it together well despite the circumstances. Meanwhile, I was actually falling apart and fast.

“Hey Siri, play Infinite Cloud - Azzz”

I should’ve named this blog “A Cry for Help”.

It feels like the last year has been blow after blow after blow. Car trouble, house trouble, car trouble, friend trouble, car trouble, house trouble, death, car trouble, friend trouble, house trouble, job trouble, car trouble, boy trouble, mind trouble.

It feels like every time I put out one fire, another starts, and each time they start, they start bigger and bigger and I’m not able to put them out as fast as the last. I save up money for a rainy day, and one day it starts raining and never stops…and the downpour gets heavier and heavier. There’s always something to be fixed, to be cleaned, to be folded, to be cooked, to be bought, to be put away. Words can’t describe how grateful I am for my mother but I need more than my mom.

I started dating a guy and it was going really well…until it wasn’t. When I asked him had anything changed he assured me nothing had…only to continue with his inconsistency. When I brought it up again he informed me that dating didn’t resonate as a priority for him. & he excused it by mentioning that he isn’t interested in being a priority to anyone either. Whether I believe that or not is irrelevant. I say that to say…

I’ve learned that I need community. I am not meant to live this life alone. I am not meant to move through this life pretending that I am fine alone. & I’ve learned that it’s ok to admit that. That doesn’t mean I need a romantic parter but I do want to be a priority to someone and I won’t be made to feel like that’s an absurd thing to desire. I want to be a priority to my community. I want to surround myself with people who care about me, want me to do well, and want to help me get there. I don’t need to be a first priority, but I want to be on the list, and I want to prioritize them as well.

I went to Mexico for a friends Bachelorette trip earlier this year and I did not know how much I needed that trip. I assumed I would need it for a quick getaway, an escape from reality, a good time with friends, but it was so much more than that. Being able to let loose, be vulnerable, laugh and be silly. That type of community and sisterhood is something I’m not necessarily sure I knew I needed before the trip. & words cannot describe how grateful I am that I found it in them.

The perks of this blog taking me weeks to write is that I can inform you all that I’m in a bit of a better place. I haven’t cried in 3 days!! That’s a record for this year lol. I still have a lot of work to do, life is still hard but I’m managing. It’s much easier to just take it day by day, do what I can, push myself to do a bit more and rest when needed. I took a trip to the beach one day and you’d be surprised what some sun can do. Anywho, if you’ve made it this far, thanks for reading and if you’re going through something similar, figure out what you need and try like hell to provide it for yourself, even if you only make a little bit of progress each day. & remember to ask for help, its hard, but its worth it. & If help doesn’t come just try your hardest to be that for yourself until it does.